Do You Have An Authentic Relationship With Yourself?

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You know when we do things or say things that kind of hurt others who are important to us and then we try to justify them instead of saying it outright what initiated those actions or words?

What’s happening there?

Well, I think we get caught up in what we have learned from our parents, school teachers, classmates and other people in our lives as the right way to do life.

For example, a little boy learns it, early on, from his environment that he is not to talk about “feelings” or he would not be considered a “real man.”

So, when later in life, his girlfriend asks him what’s going on with him as he seems to be preoccupied, rather than sharing his feelings, concerns, or worries, he says that he has a lot on his mind, which will leave the previously curious and worried girlfriend in a state of more confusion and not knowing!

On the other hand, women, from an early age, are socialized to the idea that they should not be “too assertive or curious” or they would be considered to be “bit..y,” “nosey,” or even worse: “acting like a man!”

So, when the boyfriend says that “there is nothing wrong” or that “he has a lot on his mind,” instead of managing to initiate a “kind and non-intrusive dialogue” in order to help the boyfriend open up to her and share his thoughts and feelings, she stops right there and does not show interest to find out what’s happening with her boyfriend anymore…

So, both of them continue to live their separate lives side by side rather than a collaborative unit, as their realities are not being shared to create their uniquely co-constructed world.

What’s the solution?

One that comes up to my mind is to be willing to break the fixed social norms and attempt to create a “shared world” with the significant people in our life…

From both my personal and professional experience, I have learned this kind of openness evolves best when each individual has been willing to create an authentic relationship with her/himself before trying to relate to another person’s world.

This authentic relationship will enable one to answer these questions:

  • What do I want?
  • How much am I willing to invest to get what I want?
  • Where am I headed?
  • Do I want a relationship?
  • What kind of a relationship?
  • What are my expectations from the other one?
  • What am I willing to give?

We are constantly bombarded by the “shoulds and should nots” of our parents, family members, society, media, religious authorities, academic authorities and so on…

It is only after we establish an authentic relationship with ourselves that we can sieve and weed out what we have come to regard as the fixed and thus proper rules of right and wrong, those which had been dictated to us by our society, from the ones in which we truly believe because of one or more meaningful events or interactions in our history; the ones we have chosen to be our values …

These values and commitments in life and to ourselves will be great grounds to share with our important others in our lives to invite them to our private worlds and, for them, to feel comfortable inviting us to theirs.

This will be our “get out of jail free card” that will allow us to act authentically and consistently with our chosen values without needing to justify our deeds or words within the terms of unexamined and taken for granted truths of our society.

Now the question would be:

“How do we establish an authentic relationship with ourselves?”

Good question! … I’ve seen people doing this by starting to ask themselves: If they knew they had only one more month to live, what ten most important things they would choose to do for the last 30 days of their lives…

Answering this question is helpful as people get a chance to prioritize what they value, regardless of what the society or others expect them to do…

Engaging in this fun exercise will take them through a process of re-evaluation of their life goals and the meanings they have attributed to them…

The next step would be going through experiencing some of those things in their real lives which will provide them with the opportunity to actually enjoy their lives rather than “getting through another day”…

The more individuals feel connected to their values and commitments to life, the happier and more energized they are going to feel …

and as a result, they will actually know where to go next and how to make those sparkling ideals happen in their daily lives…

This individual who has now dared to establish an authentic relationship with her/himself will be able to invite another person to their world and be non-judgmentally curious to understand the other person’s values, commitments, and goals…

There you go…

You will, then, be on your way to your happy life with another individual whose values and commitments and expectations are close to yours…

these shared values and expectations will make it much easier to make your relationship more fun, more meaningful, and happier…

and probably more stable…

You know when we do things or say things that kind of hurt others who are important to us and then we try to justify them instead of saying it outright what initiated those actions or words?

What’s happening there?

Well, I think we get caught up in what we have learned from our parents, school teachers, classmates and other people in our lives as the right way to do life.

For example, a little boy learns it, early on, from his environment that he is not to talk about “feelings” or he would not be considered a “real man.” So, when later in life, his girlfriend asks him what’s going on with him as he seems to be preoccupied, rather than sharing his feelings, concerns, or worries, he says that he has a lot on his mind, which will leave the previously curious and worried girlfriend in a state of more confusion and not knowing!

On the other hand, women, from an early age, are socialized to the idea that they should not be “too assertive or curious” or they would be considered to be “bit..y,” “nosey,” or even worse: “acting like a man!” So, when the boyfriend says that “there is nothing wrong” or that “he has a lot on his mind,” instead of managing to initiate a “kind and non-intrusive dialogue” in order to help the boyfriend open up to her and share his thoughts and feelings, she stops right there and does not show interest to find out what’s happening with her boyfriend anymore…

So, both of them continue to live their separate lives side by side rather than a collaborative unit, as their realities are not being shared to create their uniquely co-constructed world.

What’s the solution?

One that comes up to my mind is to be willing to break the fixed social norms and attempt to create a “shared world” with the significant people in our life…

From both my personal and professional experience, I have learned this kind of openness evolves best when each individual has been willing to create an authentic relationship with her/himself before trying to relate to another person’s world.

This authentic relationship will enable one to answer these questions:

  • What do I want?
  • How much am I willing to invest to get what I want?
  • Where am I headed?
  • Do I want a relationship?
  • What kind of a relationship?
  • What are my expectations from the other one?
  • What am I willing to give?

We are constantly bombarded by the “shoulds and should nots” of our parents, family members, society, media, religious authorities, academic authorities and so on…

It is only after we establish an authentic relationship with ourselves that we can sieve and weed out what we have come to regard as the fixed and thus proper rules of right and wrong, those which had been dictated to us by our society, from the ones in which we truly believe because of one or more meaningful events or interactions in our history; the ones we have chosen to be our values …

These values and commitments in life and to ourselves will be great grounds to share with our important others in our lives to invite them to our private worlds and, for them, to feel comfortable inviting us to theirs. This will be our “get out of jail free card” that will allow us to act authentically and consistently with our chosen values without needing to justify our deeds or words within the terms of unexamined and taken for granted truths of our society.

Now the question would be:

“How do we establish an authentic relationship with ourselves?”

Good question! … I’ve seen people doing this by starting to ask themselves: If they knew they had only one more month to live, what ten most important things they would choose to do for the last 30 days of their lives…

Answering this question is helpful as people get a chance to prioritize what they value, regardless of what the society or others expect them to do…

Engaging in this fun exercise will take them through a process of re-evaluation of their life goals and the meanings they have attributed to them…

The next step would be going through experiencing some of those things in their real lives which will provide them with the opportunity to actually enjoy their lives rather than “getting through another day”…

The more individuals feel connected to their values and commitments to life, the happier and more energized they are going to feel …

and as a result, they will actually know where to go next and how to make those sparkling ideals happen in their daily lives…

This individual who has now dared to establish an authentic relationship with her/himself will be able to invite another person to their world and be non-judgmentally curious to understand the other person’s values, commitments, and goals…

There you go…

You will, then, be on your way to your happy life with another individual whose values and commitments and expectations are close to yours…

these shared values and expectations will make it much easier to make your relationship more fun, more meaningful, and happier…

and probably more stable…

Do they see your True Value?

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A common complaint I hear from my clients is that their romantic partner doesn’t treat them the way they’d like to be treated.

See, the problem is often not in the behaviors, but in the way, they rate and prioritize you in their mind depending on the value they assign to you.

It is that evaluation that determines the place you occupy in their life.

If they are not treating you the way you expect them to, and if you have communicated that to them with affinity several times, in many different situations, and yet they are not changing their ways, then this is probably not a behavioral problem; it’s that they do not see your value the way you expect them to!

I am going to tell you a story about myself to help clarify what I mean by “seeing your value.”

I have an old friend of 11 years, Jay.

He is an awesome person who has dared to go for his dreams and has created lots of financial success for himself.

He has a kind heart and tries to take care of his friends by giving them a hand in different ways, investing lots of time and effort.

We love and respect each other and have witnessed the struggles and challenging situations each of us had to face, during these years.

However, when we would decide to get together over lunch or drinks to catch up and spend some quality time together, quite frequently, he used to call or text me an hour or so before meeting and ask to postpone our get-together for a last minute appointment with a client which could lead to a potentially lucrative contract, or something else that had just come up and needed his attention.

This had bothered me for so long, as I am also an extremely busy person, who has put in a request to God for a few extra hours a day, decades ago …

When my friends and I want to get together, we schedule a convenient time which works for both of us, at least a week or two ahead of time.

To be honest with you, unless something unexpected happens, my friends and I are not in the habit of canceling or postponing outings as both of us know we have collaborated diligently to clear out that time slot to spend it with each other.

We value and look forward to that delightful event and prioritize it above our other engagements.

I am so lucky to have wonderful friends and family members who treat me like a queen, as I treat them like the kings and queens they are.

So such repeated incidents with Jay burdened my heart.

Everybody who knows me, knows that I am very outspoken, so I did bring this issue to Jay’s attention several times.

Each time, quite annoyed, he told me that I was being too difficult and it was not a big deal between friends to reschedule get-togethers and that he, quite often, treated his other friends the same way, without them complaining about it!

Well, I understood that this might not have been an issue for his other friends but it was for me … It was still bothering me and I was still feeling insulted by my good old friend…

And a few years ago, it dawned on me that it was not that he meant to insult me, it was simply a matter of where I stood in his life and mind!

He valued me and my friendship, but not enough to prioritize me over other engagements in his life.

I had a tenth or eleventh rating on his list which was not what I expected from him and our deep friendship!

After that “Aha” moment, I did not feel angry or hurt anymore because I understood that it was useless to try to negotiate a change in his behavior, as long as he did not see “my value” the way I would’ve wanted him to: the rating he had given to me was way below what I expected …

So now, whenever he contacts me to get together, I no longer bother to work hard to tweak my schedule and make it happen.

I just look at my daily schedule, which is typically full, and let him know that I’m too busy to meet …

And now, he asks to get together almost every week, without paying attention to my humble request that we need to schedule it ahead of time …

Even though I miss my friend, I feel O.K. about what has happened and how it is going now …

We mostly catch up over emails or text messages which is fine …

He gets to do all the important things in his life and I get to do the same without feeling annoyed by his accustomed way of scheduling time with me!

Hundreds of times, I have heard from my clients and others that “he just doesn’t listen,” or “if only she would do this or that.”

But the truth is, they have rated you way down on their list, below many other priorities in their life!

It would do you a lot of good, to realistically find out where you stand in their mind based on how they treat you and make your decision accordingly instead of getting mad or feeling hurt by what they say or do and wasting a life time trying to encourage or goad them to bring about desirable changes in their behaviors …

What say you?