Often times, we go along with our assumptions about our current or prospective romantic partner, and their values and expectations from us and from the relationship.
As far as I know, assumptions do not often lead to happy endings….
Effective communication of our wants, needs and values have been known as the golden key to successful relationships by many researchers.
A while ago, a dear friend, gave me a gift; a beautiful orchid…
It was exactly the color I loved …
it was exquisite…
Excited, I put it on the shelf and started enjoying its beauty and the joy it had brought into my life…
When it came the time for me to water it, based on my experience with other plants and flowers I have had, I assumed I knew how much and how often to water my new beauty; after all it was just a flower like others…
Unfortunately, it did not work as I had expected.
My beautiful little flower started to glow less and less every day and its gorgeous petals started to fall off one after the other.
Frantically, I modified the amount and frequency of the watering regimen.
The petals kept falling off my beautiful orchid.
I was mad at her for not responding to my loving care, for not being appreciative of how much I loved her, took care of her, watered her and finally for dying on me with such cruelty! …
Sad, isn’t it? …
It was actually my assumption that she was just another flower like all the others and that I knew how to treat her were what ended her short life…
It was the fact that I did not pay attention to her early signs of unhappiness and kept doing what I assumed was what she needed hoping that everything will turn around, she will appreciate my love and care for her, and will look happy again…
I could have asked her (or a gardener who knew orchids) as to how much and how often watering will work for her…
If only I had done that …
She would have been beautiful and happy, still sitting on my shelf, brightening up my days…
It’s unfortunate that we often do the same thing with those we are in relationships…
Don’t we often assume what they want, and provide it for them, and end up disappointed and betrayed when they feel unhappy or upset?
Let’s stop assuming and start being curious to find out what works and what doesn’t work for our romantic partner or others around us…
Let’s communicate clearly about what our expectations are and what we would be willing to invest or compromise in the relationship.
Let’s be curious about their ideas, thoughts, and plans for themselves or for the two of you as a couple.
Let’s be open and ask to find out about their expectations, wants and needs…
Otherwise, the relationship will fade away and perish, the way my beautiful orchid died on me and left me with much regret…
You can try this on your own…
Sometimes though it seems like an impossible task to effectively communicate your needs and wants with your romantic partner and to listen to theirs.
Effective communication is the golden key to scaffolding a strong, dependable platform for the future of your relationship based on your understandings and agreements.
I have heard numerous times from my clients that having a “real conversation” with their partner felt like walking into a “lion’s lair!”
They claimed that they did communicate with their partner but their spouse wouldn’t listen…
Later on, they found out that even though they intended to communicate with their spouses, they were actually criticizing their partner, putting them down, or reminding them as to how they had miserably failed to make them happy…
The fruits of this kind of communication were nothing but resentment, bitterness, and coldness…
Experts recommend that using skilled professionals can facilitate couples’ communication about the “difficult” subjects in their relationships.
Couples report feeling happier after being able to communicate with each other, without getting into an argument.
They also admit that utilizing effective communication skills, they have been able to get their partner to agree with them more often!
For many years, I have facilitated successful communications between couples to help them understand each other’s values and needs.
This understanding has enabled them to build the rest of their lives on kind and loving interactions rather than angry encounters or coldness.
Try this on your own…
If at any point, you decide that you can benefit from having an ally who wants both of you to succeed and feel happy, I am here to help…