Are You Standing In The Way Of Your Own Happiness?

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There will inevitably be obstacles in our paths to happiness.

Along the way from where we are to where we want to be, we will encounter impediments to our ability to move ahead in life; there will be problems to solve and obstacles to overcome.

Surely there will be obstructions in our way. But are you standing in your own way?

One of the saddest things I have witnessed in life is when fear takes over and people give up on their dreams of success and happiness.

They face questions like: do I deserve this position?

Do I deserve her/him?

Can I handle the demands of this new lifestyle?

Shall I go for this opportunity?

Am I setting myself up for failure once again?

Where do these questions come from?

All the invalidations and criticism we have received since childhood from important others and authority figures?

The rejections and failures that have left scars on our emotional body?

The question here is: for how long are you going to let your past failures dictate to you where you are going?

Isn’t it time to stand up to the past and reclaim your ability to success and happiness in life?

How about making something meaningful out of your painful experiences and using those as solid foundations to your future happiness rather than giving in to the poignancy of those incidents and giving up on you?

The darkness imposed by fear on you and your life will disappear as soon as you let bright light of hope in fruition of your dreams come through the window and shine on you…

Change your Reality, Change your life …

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Albert Einstein once said: “We can’t solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them.”  

I can’t agree more with this amazing man as to me, we human beings give meaning to our lives by the stories we tell about them.  

The stories we tell about ourselves to us and to others, not only impact us directly in the present but also have strong implications for our future life including our feelings, thoughts, intentions, and actions.

Many stories occur at the same time in our lives and quite interestingly, different stories can be told about these same events.  

For example, this morning when I got up, I was in a rush to make breakfast and I burned myself while doing so.  

When I was waiting for the garage door to open, I was reading an email, so I was closer than I should have been to the door and the garage door hit me on the forehead while opening up.  

At the office, I found out that I had forgotten to bring in a contract that needed to be signed by a client of mine today.

I also found out that my favorite, competent, highly skilled front desk receptionist is leaving the office in two weeks.

How does that sound to you?  

Can I claim that I had a “bad day”?

Now let’s have another look at my day.  

Here is an alternative story I can tell about that same day:  

When I got up this morning, I was cheered up by a phone call from my sister who lives far away …  

She gave me the good news that my niece, a successful pharmacist, married to her college sweetheart, is happily pregnant!  

After I talked to her for a while I had to hurry up in order to get to my first client at my office on time.  

Quickly, I made my breakfast and brewed a perfect cup of coffee.  

As I was opening the garage door, I received an email with good news on receiving an award!

At the office, I had great sessions with my clients and enjoyed a nice dinner with a couple of my friends and managed to do my sprint runs before going to bed…

How’s that for a day?

Would you say I had a “good day?”  

The truth is that after all, putting together all the events in my day, I went sleep with a smile on my lips …

The ways we story our lives is very much influenced by the context of gender, class, race, culture and sexual orientation among other things.  

The stories that the significant others like our parents, teachers, and friends have narrated about our lives are powerful contributors to the interpretations and meanings we give to our life events.  

For instance, if it is a cultural or familial value for someone to be daring and quick to take action, and they take their time to consider their options and then take action, the may end up with a story about themselves as ‘a coward’, or ‘having no confidence or self-worth,’ or even ‘a loser!’  

While, if being mindful and cautious is the dominant value, they may have stories about themselves as being ‘caring,’ or ‘thoughtful and wise.’   

The problem occurs when the way people define themselves are different than the ways they are defined by the dominant discourses in their environment.  

Then, these individuals will give meaning to their life based only on stories constructed out of their life events consistent with the negative labels dictated by their context.  

Rather than linking all the ups and downs in their life and creating a wholesome story that also includes their successes and accomplishments, these demeaning stories told about them, lead them to link more of the unpleasant events in their lives, resulting in feelings of depression, anxiety, self-doubt, shyness and many more debilitating signs and symptoms…

Life may not be kind or fair, but YOU can be!

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Sometimes we get upset when “others” in our life do not say or do what we expect them to. Then, we often judge those “others,” using our own values and habits and say: “I wouldn’t have done or said that, if I were her/him.” Well, the truth is that you are NOT her/him. You are a different individual with YOUR value system, intentions for life, habits, familial and societal history and ways of expressing yourself or doing things. She/he is another individual with her/his own beliefs, behaviors and attitudes which are DIFFERENT than yours. You have never walked in their shoes to know what it is like to be them, so instead of feeling righteous about your ways of doing and saying things, try for a moment to close your eyes and imagine what it is like to be them.

You can’t be mad at others or hate them for not being like you, not wanting the same things as you do, or for having different values than you do… Well, I take that back… you can, but please explain to me how that is helpful to anybody… Stop negatively judging the “others” in your life, for being “Different” than you. This way there is a higher likelihood for you to enjoy your life and also, to create a space around you in which “others” can feel free to be themselves and enjoy their life with you. Life may not be kind or fair, but you can be!

[Tweet “Stop judging the “others” in your life, for being “Different” thank you. @drsimonel”]

This perspective can open up new windows to a more fun and enjoyable life for us and those we love. For example, you can give the benefit of the doubt to your romantic partner, and be open to be pleasantly surprised to find out that their “eccentricities” are not as awful as you had judged them to be in the beginning! You might even find those “odd behaviors and mannerisms” fun and interesting if you don’t assume “sameness” and allow them to be who they are despite your differences in preferences and attitudes. I have seen many people including myself who have found a food, a drink, a characteristic, a hobby or an activity that they did not consider “their taste,” to be actually pleasant, interesting, fun to do, and interesting to engage in, when they have kept themselves open to variety of choices and options that life can offer to them. Much of what we believe is “appropriate” or “acceptable” is what the society has dictated to us. They are not actually OUR choices. So are you ready to give yourself the chance to experience something different than what you have considered “acceptable, right or appropriate?” Believe it or not, you can develop taste for things that you have never imagined you would enjoy or like. And then you will have more options and choices available to bring in joy, laughter, and harmony into your life… Think about it!

Where Do Our Identities Come From?

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Recently, I see many of these TV commercials for DNA testing to discover your genetic heritage… I don’t think that there is anything wrong with wanting to know more about your generational history; I believe the problem starts when those commercials are making it about “knowing who you are and where you belong by finding out your genetic background!”

I believe that “identities” are created by our experiences and interactions with others in our environments and shaped by our values and commitments in life. Problems arise when our experiences in our environment and the judgments and evaluations of the others in our lives are not consistent with the way we want to think about ourselves.

[Tweet “”I believe that “identities” are created by our experiences and interactions with others in our environments and shaped by our values and commitments in life” @drsimonel”]

For instance, a little girl might really enjoy building structures and engaging in fun and creative projects on her own rather than playing with dolls with other girls her age. While this in itself does not seem to be a problem, the others in her life might feel that this is not a NORMAL behavior for a little girl, get concerned about her future and encourage her to play with other little girls… Sometimes, if these parents fail to get their daughter give up on her solitary projects and play normal games with normal little girls, they might take refuge in forcing her to do so, using threats or punishments… The situation can worsen, when her teacher voices her concerns about this little girl, saying that she does not engage in NORMAL behaviors of other little girls her age… The little girl might even be directed to see a counselor who would use a series of “professional tools” to get the little girl engage in NORMAL behaviors and interactions that the society deems appropriate for her…

You see… it’s since this very young age that all the messages from the environment are telling this little girl that she is not doing well in comparison with other girls her age… that she is “odd,” “weird,” “different,” or she can even be labeled as “bad.” And many years later, we have a young woman who does not feel that she belongs as she has been judged negatively by others for her preferences and values in life. The only chance for this young woman will be for her to re-invent herself with the understanding that being seen as “NORMAL” does not really matter. What really matters is to engage in doing what she enjoys doing, the way she wants to do it and that’s when she starts feeling happy again. This is the only way she will be able to create miracles in her life and shine with great accomplishments unique to her, no matter how big or small they are. So, in my opinion, “identity” is not truly defined by our genetic history but by our painstaking efforts to live a life consistent with our values and intentions despite a world that is constantly trying to shape us in ways accepted by our family, friends, partners, classmates, coworkers and society we are surrounded with…

So let’s re-invent a more powerful, successful you who feels free to choose her/his ways; a happier, more confident you who actually enjoys what she/he is doing rather than living an average boring life approved by the norms surrounding you… What say you?

Be the Hero of your Dreams

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Be the hero of your dreams and you will attract into your life, all that you desire.

Never wait for anything or anyone. While keeping an eye on whatever or whomever you want and doing all that it takes to make it possible to achieve that desired goal, it is absolutely vital to continue to engage in all that you enjoy doing in different areas of our life.  Make new plans.  Have plan A, B, and C.  Reinvent yourself and glow with intent and passion from within.  Be the hero of your dreams and you will attract into your life, all that you desire.  If “The ONE” you think is “the person of your dreams” does not show any active interest in you, then that person is unlikely to bring happiness to the relationship with you.  Let go and be open to other possibilities.

It’s a myth that someone else is responsible for your happiness…. WRONG!!! News Flash: the only person responsible for your happiness is YOU! Then stop the shame and blame game.  Get to work and make it happen.  MAKE YOU HAPPY!  Trust me, when you do so, many good things and people will be attracted to you.  Nobody likes a miserable, sad looking, grumpy person (the only ones who do are actually looking for victims to exploit).  It is really boring.  Would you agree?

– Dr. Simone

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