Do You Have An Authentic Relationship With Yourself?

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You know when we do things or say things that kind of hurt others who are important to us and then we try to justify them instead of saying it outright what initiated those actions or words?

What’s happening there?

Well, I think we get caught up in what we have learned from our parents, school teachers, classmates and other people in our lives as the right way to do life.

For example, a little boy learns it, early on, from his environment that he is not to talk about “feelings” or he would not be considered a “real man.”

So, when later in life, his girlfriend asks him what’s going on with him as he seems to be preoccupied, rather than sharing his feelings, concerns, or worries, he says that he has a lot on his mind, which will leave the previously curious and worried girlfriend in a state of more confusion and not knowing!

On the other hand, women, from an early age, are socialized to the idea that they should not be “too assertive or curious” or they would be considered to be “bit..y,” “nosey,” or even worse: “acting like a man!”

So, when the boyfriend says that “there is nothing wrong” or that “he has a lot on his mind,” instead of managing to initiate a “kind and non-intrusive dialogue” in order to help the boyfriend open up to her and share his thoughts and feelings, she stops right there and does not show interest to find out what’s happening with her boyfriend anymore…

So, both of them continue to live their separate lives side by side rather than a collaborative unit, as their realities are not being shared to create their uniquely co-constructed world.

What’s the solution?

One that comes up to my mind is to be willing to break the fixed social norms and attempt to create a “shared world” with the significant people in our life…

From both my personal and professional experience, I have learned this kind of openness evolves best when each individual has been willing to create an authentic relationship with her/himself before trying to relate to another person’s world.

This authentic relationship will enable one to answer these questions:

  • What do I want?
  • How much am I willing to invest to get what I want?
  • Where am I headed?
  • Do I want a relationship?
  • What kind of a relationship?
  • What are my expectations from the other one?
  • What am I willing to give?

We are constantly bombarded by the “shoulds and should nots” of our parents, family members, society, media, religious authorities, academic authorities and so on…

It is only after we establish an authentic relationship with ourselves that we can sieve and weed out what we have come to regard as the fixed and thus proper rules of right and wrong, those which had been dictated to us by our society, from the ones in which we truly believe because of one or more meaningful events or interactions in our history; the ones we have chosen to be our values …

These values and commitments in life and to ourselves will be great grounds to share with our important others in our lives to invite them to our private worlds and, for them, to feel comfortable inviting us to theirs.

This will be our “get out of jail free card” that will allow us to act authentically and consistently with our chosen values without needing to justify our deeds or words within the terms of unexamined and taken for granted truths of our society.

Now the question would be:

“How do we establish an authentic relationship with ourselves?”

Good question! … I’ve seen people doing this by starting to ask themselves: If they knew they had only one more month to live, what ten most important things they would choose to do for the last 30 days of their lives…

Answering this question is helpful as people get a chance to prioritize what they value, regardless of what the society or others expect them to do…

Engaging in this fun exercise will take them through a process of re-evaluation of their life goals and the meanings they have attributed to them…

The next step would be going through experiencing some of those things in their real lives which will provide them with the opportunity to actually enjoy their lives rather than “getting through another day”…

The more individuals feel connected to their values and commitments to life, the happier and more energized they are going to feel …

and as a result, they will actually know where to go next and how to make those sparkling ideals happen in their daily lives…

This individual who has now dared to establish an authentic relationship with her/himself will be able to invite another person to their world and be non-judgmentally curious to understand the other person’s values, commitments, and goals…

There you go…

You will, then, be on your way to your happy life with another individual whose values and commitments and expectations are close to yours…

these shared values and expectations will make it much easier to make your relationship more fun, more meaningful, and happier…

and probably more stable…

You know when we do things or say things that kind of hurt others who are important to us and then we try to justify them instead of saying it outright what initiated those actions or words?

What’s happening there?

Well, I think we get caught up in what we have learned from our parents, school teachers, classmates and other people in our lives as the right way to do life.

For example, a little boy learns it, early on, from his environment that he is not to talk about “feelings” or he would not be considered a “real man.” So, when later in life, his girlfriend asks him what’s going on with him as he seems to be preoccupied, rather than sharing his feelings, concerns, or worries, he says that he has a lot on his mind, which will leave the previously curious and worried girlfriend in a state of more confusion and not knowing!

On the other hand, women, from an early age, are socialized to the idea that they should not be “too assertive or curious” or they would be considered to be “bit..y,” “nosey,” or even worse: “acting like a man!” So, when the boyfriend says that “there is nothing wrong” or that “he has a lot on his mind,” instead of managing to initiate a “kind and non-intrusive dialogue” in order to help the boyfriend open up to her and share his thoughts and feelings, she stops right there and does not show interest to find out what’s happening with her boyfriend anymore…

So, both of them continue to live their separate lives side by side rather than a collaborative unit, as their realities are not being shared to create their uniquely co-constructed world.

What’s the solution?

One that comes up to my mind is to be willing to break the fixed social norms and attempt to create a “shared world” with the significant people in our life…

From both my personal and professional experience, I have learned this kind of openness evolves best when each individual has been willing to create an authentic relationship with her/himself before trying to relate to another person’s world.

This authentic relationship will enable one to answer these questions:

  • What do I want?
  • How much am I willing to invest to get what I want?
  • Where am I headed?
  • Do I want a relationship?
  • What kind of a relationship?
  • What are my expectations from the other one?
  • What am I willing to give?

We are constantly bombarded by the “shoulds and should nots” of our parents, family members, society, media, religious authorities, academic authorities and so on…

It is only after we establish an authentic relationship with ourselves that we can sieve and weed out what we have come to regard as the fixed and thus proper rules of right and wrong, those which had been dictated to us by our society, from the ones in which we truly believe because of one or more meaningful events or interactions in our history; the ones we have chosen to be our values …

These values and commitments in life and to ourselves will be great grounds to share with our important others in our lives to invite them to our private worlds and, for them, to feel comfortable inviting us to theirs. This will be our “get out of jail free card” that will allow us to act authentically and consistently with our chosen values without needing to justify our deeds or words within the terms of unexamined and taken for granted truths of our society.

Now the question would be:

“How do we establish an authentic relationship with ourselves?”

Good question! … I’ve seen people doing this by starting to ask themselves: If they knew they had only one more month to live, what ten most important things they would choose to do for the last 30 days of their lives…

Answering this question is helpful as people get a chance to prioritize what they value, regardless of what the society or others expect them to do…

Engaging in this fun exercise will take them through a process of re-evaluation of their life goals and the meanings they have attributed to them…

The next step would be going through experiencing some of those things in their real lives which will provide them with the opportunity to actually enjoy their lives rather than “getting through another day”…

The more individuals feel connected to their values and commitments to life, the happier and more energized they are going to feel …

and as a result, they will actually know where to go next and how to make those sparkling ideals happen in their daily lives…

This individual who has now dared to establish an authentic relationship with her/himself will be able to invite another person to their world and be non-judgmentally curious to understand the other person’s values, commitments, and goals…

There you go…

You will, then, be on your way to your happy life with another individual whose values and commitments and expectations are close to yours…

these shared values and expectations will make it much easier to make your relationship more fun, more meaningful, and happier…

and probably more stable…

10 Ways to Conquer Relationship Obstacles without Giving Up Who You Are

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Starting a new relationship or maintaining a long-standing one is no simple task.

Often you have an idealized version of “The One” stuck in your head and don’t realize that there are many alternative others available to you with whom you could develop an everlasting, happy bond.

In the process of being in an unhappy relationship you may have lost your inner spark.

You might have felt that you were living someone else’s dream and that you have forgotten what your own dreams were.

Instead of continuously falling victim to your relationship obstacles, put together what is desirable to you and this time choose the right person for you.

Here are 10 tips for being your best self when dealing with relationships.

  1.  Never wait for anything or anyone.While keeping an eye on whatever or whomever you want and doing all that it takes to make it possible to achieve that desired goal, it is absolutely vital to continue to engage in all that you enjoy doing in different areas of your life.

    Make new plans.

    Have plan A, B, and C.

    Reinvent yourself and glow with intent and passion from within.

    Be the hero of your dreams and you will attract into your life, all that you desire…

    It is important to keep in mind that if “The One” you think is “the person of your dreams” does not show any active interest in you, then that person is unlikely to bring happiness to the relationship with you. Let go and be open to other possibilities.

  2. The way you treat yourself tells others how to treat you.Take care of yourself.

    Be respectful of your needs and wants; others will follow that route and as a result everybody ends up feeling happy.

  3. Decide on what you want.Don’t forget that in order for relationships to flourish into blooming, stable and committed ones, you first need to clarify for yourself what you want to happen in that relationship.
  4. Communicate clearly with your prospective mate about what your expectations are and what you would be willing to invest or compromise in the relationship.Negotiate, but do not insist.

    Do not force them to fit your image of the ideal romantic partner for you.

    Keep communicating clearly without criticizing them or making them wrong for being who they are.

    Listen to them and their ideas about what they want and need.

    Follow up with several repetitions of your values and expectations in loving, nonjudgmental and friendly ways if you want to have good working relationships.

    Make a deadline and if they are not your right match, wish them well and move on to make space for the next candidate or new experience that the universe has to offer to you.

  5. Be consistent and remain communicative while remaining mindful of the expiration date you have set for the flourishing of this relationship. 

    Work hard to make it flourish.But, if the relationship expires before becoming what you want and need for it to be, let go, and move on.

    There are infinitely more enjoyable experiences awaiting you, if only you are open to them.

  6. Be careful to notice the words and/or actions you have used or engaged in that have not produced the outcomes you wanted in your relationships.I have had hundreds of unhappy couples tell me they have said a certain thing hundreds of times to the other person and it has never worked.

    I always ask them: “When are you going to decide that what you have been doing is not working and that you need a change of strategy, or that it is maybe time to terminate the relationship that you have suffered through for a very long period.”

  7. Listen carefully, observe the details and ask questions when you are forming a romantic relationship with another person. 

    Be curious about their plans and intentions for the future.Interact, play, and laugh with them.

    You will be surprised to see how much you will learn about a person by playing a recreational game or engaging in a political, social, and/or artistic dialogue with them.

  8. Talk about current upsets or problems.Time will resolve NOTHING.

    Only finding and addressing the root causes of the problems will help your relationship flourish and grow stronger.

  9. Show your love to your partner, show your appreciation of who they are and what they do for you.Smile, touch, kiss.

    Send little text messages or call during the day to show that they are important to you and that you are there for them.

    If you do these things and they don’t, then talk about it and tell them how much it will mean to you if they do the same.

    Remind them to engage in those acts of love as often and kindly as you can.

    And always keep in mind your expiration date for the relationship that is failing to improve.

    If they actively invest in making your relationship more enjoyable and pleasant as you do, that’s a good sign!

    But, if they are not so inclined, move on.

  10. Accept when it’s time to move on.Make a list of your success stories in all different aspects of your life.

    Make another list of all your achievements (whether small victories or spectacular achievements), where you have touched others’ lives with your kindness, where you have put a smile on a stranger’s lips or rendered a warm supporting hand to a friend.

    Feel good about you!

    Make sure you know that you are worthy of happiness!

    Then and only then will you be able to see the options before your eyes, the infinite possibilities of wonderful things happening to you.

    That’s when you will feel brave enough to end your misery and be open to life’s miracles.

    Expect such miracles.

While it’s not always easy to say goodbye to someone you had such high hopes for at the beginning of the relationship, you will ultimately be happier and discover a better you.

Living authentically both in and out of relationships allows you to live the life you always imagined without any regrets or placing blame on someone for “holding you back.”