Do You Communicate with Kindness?

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Before communicating with your romantic partner, make sure that you have considered the impact of your communication on the person you “love.”

Some people are totally oblivious to the impact of their attitude, words and actions on others.

Big mistake!  

Before communicating with your romantic partner, make sure that you have considered the impact of your communication on the person you “love.”

Is your communication going to hurt them?  

Is it going to undermine their self-worth?

Does it make them wrong?  

Is it TELLING them your way is the right way?  

Is it invalidating their experiences and impressions of life events?  

Does it make them feel they can’t do anything right?  

If your answer is “yes” to any of these questions, then the relationship will suffer and in the long run, your partner will not feel close to you anymore.  

So before communicating make sure you understand the purpose of that communication and then proceed with the kindest way to express what you mean without scarring them.

Do this not only because you will always pay for the scars you leave on others (not to be punished but to learn what it feels like to be THEM), but simply because it is UNKIND to do so.

– Dr. Simone

Talk About It…

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Talk about current upsets or problems.

Time will resolve NOTHING.  

Only finding and addressing the root causes of the problems will help your relationship flourish and grow stronger.

DO NOT point a finger at your partner and do not itemize what you have done right and she/he has done wrong…

remain calm, affectionate and reasonable and ask your partner to help you find the source of the problem to both resolve it and make a plan of action to prevent it from happening again.

Do NOT use harsh words when talking to each other.

Words often hurt more than any sharp knife or sword.  

People may feel so injured that they give up on you and the relationship.

When speaking, remind yourself that your objective is to bring you and your partner closer together not push you away from each other.  

No matter how tempting it may be, do not attack your partner’s personality and avoid putting them down; if you do so, ultimately you will drive them away.

DO NOT bring emotionality into the room.

It will hurt the relationship rather than help it.  

Be straightforward but kind and polite, and let them know you are not there to complain but that you are asking their help to solve the problem and enjoy your time together from then on.

– Dr. Simone

Listen with Love

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If you listen to your partner with love, there is always something in what they say that you can agree with.

When your partner shares something with you, an opinion, idea or plan, do not start with saying “no” or telling them all that you disagree with them on.

How about acknowledging them with saying something nice about what they said, or how they said it.

If you listen with love, there is always something in what they say that you can agree with.  

And if there really is nothing to agree on, then pause and say something like:

“That’s an interesting idea,”

“I had never thought about it in that way,”

“I haven’t looked at it from that angle,”

“Tell me more,”

or “I’ll think about it.” 

Always start with a positive attitude and you will be surprised how much easier it is going to be to talk about your disagreements and how much more accepting they will be of your viewpoints.  

– Dr. Simone

Show your Appreciation

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Show your love to your partner, show your appreciation of who they are and what they do for you.

Smile, touch, kiss.  Send little text messages or call during the day to show that they are important to you and that you are there for them.  If you do these things and they don’t, then talk about it and tell them how much it will mean to you if they do the same.  Remind them to engage in those acts of love as often and kindly as you can.  And always keep in mind your expiration date for the relationship that is failing to improve.  If they actively invest in making your relationship more enjoyable and pleasant as you do, that’s a good sign!  But, if they are not so inclined, move on.

– Dr. Simone

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‘Sameness’ is a Myth

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‘Sameness’ is a myth: the idea that we are all the same and want the same things, that there is a certain RIGHT way to go about life and relationships.  WRONG!

There are only ways that work for you and those that do not work for you. 

That’s all.

We are different, and like and dislike different things.  

You cannot blame your prospective or current romantic partners for not feeling, being or doing as you do.  

Do not forget that they have the right to be different: to be themselves, to be and do as they choose.  

It is not up to you to dictate to them the right way of living.  

Do not persist desperately in trying to make it work if your values are far apart.  

The only outcome of that kind of insistence will be disappointment, bitterness, and misery for both sides.

– Dr. Simone