Secrets: What to Share and What Not to Share

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Destructive Secrets

Let me be very clear here. Sooner or later, secrets will definitely destroy your romantic relationship and will also hurt both your and your partner’s feelings in deep and sometimes unamendable ways.

To determine if a secret is destructive or not, you can ask yourself what would happen if your partner finds out about it.

Is she/he going to leave you?

Will that be a deal breaker?

If the answer is “yes,” then with keeping that secret, you are actually taking away your partner’s right to make decisions based on facts, as they would have access only to half-truths that you have provided, or no idea what the truth of the matter is.

Out of curiosity, I have tried to find out about the nature of this habit of “keeping secrets.”

I have found it interesting to ask the secretive individuals to reverse the situation and think how they might feel and react to discovering the same hidden secrets in their partner’s life.

At this point, almost all of them tell me they wouldn’t tolerate such deception and end the relationship!

What amazes me is that even after that cognition, they continue to keep that secret from their partner and justify their action by saying that if they disclosed the secret, their partner would leave them!

Yes, they might be right! Their partner might attempt to end the relationship!

However, there are many effective ways of solving that problem so they can continue their partnership, only this time, with honesty and transparency which will promote trust on both sides and long-lasting happiness for everyone.

The situation often gets worse when the secretive individuals continue to keep secrets, as they will have to lie again and again and continue to engage in secrecy every time there is the threat of the secret being exposed!

First of all, living under the pressure of facing that threat can be a quite overwhelming experience which is going to negatively impact their mindset and emotional state in ways which will, in turn, hurt the relationship they so desperately want to maintain!

Secondly, having kept the secret, they will always doubt their partner’s honesty and won’t be able to trust them!

And thirdly, they will never know if their partner will ever be able to love them knowing that they are flawed or they have made some mistakes in their lives.

You see, they lose anyway!

And when their partner expresses unhappiness in the relationship and wants to leave them, they never connect the dots and understand that this distance between them and their partner has been initiated by the “poisonous secret!”

So, it’s truly to the advantage of everyone in the relationship not to keep secrets you know would be deal breakers.

Admitting to your mistakes and offering your sincere apologies and making up for the damage made will save your partnership in magical ways!

Toxic Sharings

One of the other relationship-killing traps people find themselves in is when they share everything with everyone in their lives. 

Withholding information that is not necessary for someone to know is one of the crucial keys to happiness.

I have witnessed so many relationships destroyed just because one member of the couple was sharing all that his/her mom/dad/sibling/friend has said about their partner with him/her.

And then sharing their Partner’s thoughts and reactions back with them.

You won’t believe how many relationships I have seen fall apart for this single simple reason.

Honesty does not mean you have to share everything.

Share what is important within the context of the relationship, but keep to yourself anything that is unnecessary and likely to hurt the person to whom you disclose it. 

For instance, the harmful things others say about your partner. You might think that by sharing such information with them you are creating an ally for yourself, but in the long run, that sharing will backfire and hurt both you and your partner.

I have witnessed many instances in which people who share the unkind or hateful things others say about their partner with them.

After a while, they find out that they are trapped in an inescapable spot, right in the middle of the battleground, and that they are the ones who are targeted the most and have to take the harsh words from both sides.

Honesty is beautiful.

Let’s be honest with our partners and make our relationships ever-growing and flourishing by refusing to conceal the truth which is significant in our relationships, withholding the hurtful information that is meaningless in the context of our partnership, and communicating clearly and affectionately to find out how we can make up for our mistakes rather than hiding them.

Let’s discriminate between what needs to be shared and what not, by asking these simple questions about the information to be disclosed:

Is it true?

Is it necessary?

Is it kind?

It’s Cruel to Try to Shape Others…

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…in our lives into our dreams of what they can or should be…

When goals are fluid, they are constantly changing which allows for growth and acceptance of otherness. When goals are fixed, like dead skin they become crystallized as the “TRUE Destination” and the “RIGHT direction” against which we feel compelled to measure ourselves and feel self-worth or self-loath depending on how much we comply with the rules of that “True destination.”

The Jerusalem, the destination, the heavens, the Ultimate Goal. These are all different names for the same thing. The DREAM that gives meaning to our lives. The “Incentive” that motivates us to move forward as it changes in form and dimension, the closer we get to achieving it.

Once again, we are dealing with the subject of “fluidity” of everything in life including life itself. Have you ever thought about life as a never-ending quest for beauty, or an ever-lasting search for answers to our questions, pursuit of knowledge, wisdom or happiness? If we take that as the premise, then the “ever-changing goals and destinations” in our lives are making it possible for us to go higher and higher in consciousness and awareness. The ever-changing destination keeps us moving forward and does not allow us to give up and most importantly, it eliminates “boredom” as every time the obstacles you are determined to overcome and road blocks you face are different. That’s what makes life exciting! But when people reify a goal, a limiting bubble is created around that goal, thereby closing the doors to otherness and demanding compliance. “Otherness” thus becomes heresy.

Are you imprisoned in one of those restricting bubbles? Do you believe in “One Single Immutable Truth” against which you measure and judge yourself and others? What about THEIR Realities? Isn’t this what the brutal criminals and dictators have done throughout history– believing in one single reality: their own? And with that mentality comes imposition of power, use of force, ruse, lies, imprisonment and even murder. The “fixed” and “crystallized” dreams or goals lead to the construction of “self-righteous” identities who can hurt others.

Have you ever considered that we are committing crimes that in form are similar to those of the brutal dictators, when we try to shape our romantic partner, children or anyone other than us into our dream of what they can or should be? That’s when we become the “dictator,” expecting obedience and compliance from others to “our rigid rules,” oblivious to the fact that our dreams of what they can or should be might be different than what they have in mind for themselves. And please help me understand who on earth gave us the right to believe that our values or dreams are more valuable or better than those of others?

One of the ways I have witnessed to work well in establishing long-lasting and satisfying relationships is when each individual is willing to step out of their own, personal reality to peek respectfully into the other person’s reality, with their permission of course, to understand their points of view. This understanding of each other’s realities establishes a foundation upon which they can co-construct shared realties, allowing space for each partner in the relationship to grow individually and as a member of a couple, into higher flying eagles who can explore life with openness, curiosity, joy, and courage, feeling happy inside.

This thought reminds me of what one of my favorite authors, Henry James, said about art: “We work in the dark – we do what we can – we give what we have. Our doubt is our passion and our passion is our task. The rest is the madness of art.”

If Only We Could Refrain From Reacting…

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…when something goes wrong and our partner says or does something the wrong way.

I’m sure you can remember at least a few of those instances where you felt irritated and said something that jabbed your partner and hurt their feelings…

Imagine that you are driving to the airport, your partner has stalled the car, and you just realized that you will miss your flight.

You feel frustrated and angry and lash out at your partner: “There, we missed the flight! You are always late! Are you happy now? You know how much money this will cost us?”

Now let’s look at what happened and see what you accomplished by making snarly comments to your partner.

You succeeded in making him/her feel bad, wrong, and incompetent!

Did that make your relationship a better and happier one?

Did it solve your problem?

Did you succeed in making sure your partner will never ever repeat that mistake again?

What do you think?

In all likelihood, you just increased whatever distance there may have been between you two.

You’ve just injected a dose of bitter antagonism, resentment, and disappointment into your relationship.

Each and every one of such incidents, chips a little bit more away from your relationship, like the wedge-like notch a lumberjack cuts in the trunk of a tree marked for removal from the forest, and coldness will reign from then on…

What if you had taken a deep breath and smiled and told your partner that even though you missed the flight, you would find a way to get to your destination, and even if you failed in doing so, you would have some fun doing something together?

What if, when all was said and done and you were both relaxed, you asked your partner, with kindness, what you could do to help him/her get things done on time before a trip or outing, and what you might both do to avoid such angry reactions by either one of you?

The question here is: Do you want to enjoy your life or to walk around self-righteously criticizing the heck out of anyone you see falling short of your expectations?

Do you want to co-create a happy life with your partner or do you intend to make it your mission to make them wrong so they feel bad about themselves?

The choice is yours…

Deciding together: Can we be strong and independent, and yet make mutually satisfying decisions as partners?

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What I have witnessed in a lot of unhappy relationships is that two people come together to live a happy life but they don’t know how to establish and maintain a collaborative relationship!

So, now that they are together, they bring in to the relationship, their separate individual lives with their independent decision-making styles they have had before their togetherness…

They think if they are strong and independent people, they should be able to make their own decisions on what they want to do when they want to do it…

They are, unfortunately, oblivious to the fact that a relationship has a life of its own; the newly established “us.”

A relationship is a living thing…

We create it, we feed it, nurture it and then it grows and nurtures us, in return, and offers each one of us, many opportunities for our personal growth…

It’s very important to remember that anything we do and any decision we make in a relationship has a big or small impact on our partner and will either enhance or diminish our relationship together…

Then the question remains as to how to preserve our individual identities and at the same time contribute to the life of our relationship so it can flourish and become a long-lasting blooming creation which keeps nourishing us, giving us hope, and opening up possibilities for our achievements?

Well, to be honest, that is “the million-dollar question” that if answered correctly will guarantee our happiness in relationships and in life …

To demonstrate the huge impacts that a powerful co-construction of a decision can make on the relationship and each individual’s personal growth and well-being, I will give you an example:

I had a 65-year-old male client who had just started a loving relationship with a 53-year-old woman …

The relationship had started beautifully and they had been able to establish mutual respect and trust…

They were enjoying themselves and it was only when it came for them to go to places and do things together as a couple that the problems surfaced…

One instance was when he had been invited to a get together with his colleagues to celebrate his new accomplishment in research.

Dinner reservations were made and sightseeing was planned in several locations.

On the other hand, his partner was invited to a yearly special traditional dinner over her close friends’ house and it was extremely important to her that he would accompany her to that dinner party and be introduced to her friends and community.

She shared her great desire for him to be with her at that party ten days before his celebratory dinner was planned.

She did not hear from him for several days and when she once again, communicated with him that it was very important to her that he accompany her to that party, and wondered if he was going to be there or not, he informed her that unfortunately he would not be able to join her for the dinner party and that his friends had invited him to this surprise get together.

He then, added that he wished he had been on top of it sooner but the whole thing was already planned and that he felt he needed to join his colleagues as the whole day was planned in celebration of his accomplishments….

He added that he should have been more attentive as his colleagues were dropping hints as to the timing of this event…

She told me later, that she could not believe that he had not taken her honest request seriously and had let days pass without making any attempt to talk to her about the dinner invitation and letting her know about his friends’ plans…

and without asking his colleagues if they would reschedule the event for another day so they could both have their needs met, and also to show love and respect to his partner’s priorities and desires…

They broke up after many of these little seemingly insignificant problems…

He told me that he thought that she wanted him to be a strong and independent man and when he acted like one, she did not want him anymore.

She shared with me that she felt invisible and unimportant to him as he did not care enough to include her desires and preferences in his life schedule … Sad huh?

They were so compatible, in so many ways that it broke my heart when the relationship fell apart…

The question persisted for so long in my head that what if he had made sure that he talked about his thoughts and concerns or about what he wished to do about the dinner party with his partner’s friends, right after she had invited him to the party …

What if he had told her that he did not feel comfortable to meet her close friends this early on in their relationship?

What if in case he wanted to join her for the dinner, he had made sure that his colleagues who were planning the celebration party for him were aware that he would not be available on that special evening?

What if when they had told him about the party he had asked if they were willing to change the reservations to the day after as he had prior plans for that evening?

What if she would not have taken this incident too personally and would have been more curious to find out the true contributing factors to his decision as to not to spend that evening with her and her friends?

What if she would have suggested a policy for decision makings in the future to prevent that unpleasant event from happening and ruining their relationship once again?

And I still keep wondering what would have happened if they knew from the get go how to make decisions together, as a unit, not as separate entities who only spend time together…

7 Ways to Make Your Relationship Feel Like it Did When it Started

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Everyone can recall that overwhelmingly ideal feeling of being with their partner over the first year of their relatioship.

Your heart would race every time they would call, you couldn’t wait to see them after work, and you both had the energy to go out and do things together even after long days at work.

Fast-forward to the present, and you’re now finding it hard to believe you ever really felt like that – you’re exhausted and just want to be alone after work, barely saying hello or exchanging a hug or a kiss when you come home.

Little fights that you both would have dismissed in your first stages of dating turn into the silent treatment from one party to the other.

Deep down, you wonder if your relationship is crumbling.

While the honeymoon phase may seem a distant memory, there is a way to replicate it and bring back that passion to your relationship.

I’ve worked with numerous couples on restoring the fire to their relationship and creating a happy and healthy partnership where they both are truly equals.

If you’re at your wit’s end on how to make your relationship feel like it did long ago, here are a few tips to turn it around today!

  1. Keep It Simple: The words you most need in your relationship might surprise you. It’s not that three-word phrase, “I love you.” If you want to build your relationship back to its prime state, “Thank You” is one of the best phrases you can use. Why? Because everyone wants to know they are appreciated. That’s what a partnership is – giving of yourself to help out your partner. Saying “Thank You” more often is therapeutic and tells your partner you appreciate them immensely. Letting your partner know you’re grateful they made dinner or took out the garbage is a small but impactful way to let them know you would never take them for granted.
  1. Communicate: We all get into funks where we don’t feel like talking, especially if there’s recently been an argument in your relationship. While it’s okay to take time to cool off after a heated discussion, communicating effectively and with an open mind is the only way to truly build your relationship up again. Always try to resolve the issue within that day, and respect one another’s points of view.

And remember: it IS okay to disagree!

We are humans!

And even though your partner may understand your perspective on most things, it doesn’t mean he or she will always understand where you are coming from.

It is okay to not see eye-to-eye all of the time. Just make sure you respect where your partner is coming from.

  1. Go Back to Courting: Renew the spark in your relationship by going back to your roots. You used to know what worked when it came to dating: flowers, the movies, or a walk in the park, but now, you barely have time for yourself let alone your partner. That’s not an excuse! If you want to get back to feeling the same way you did about your partner when you first started dating, you have to prioritize those special moments.

Recreate your favorite dates.

It doesn’t have to be anything expensive: a simple coffee in the morning on a weekend can stimulate conversation between the two of you.

When you create those dating moments, you’ll no longer long for the past because you’ll have those special moments in the present.

  1. Invest in One Another: Back when you were younger, you felt like you had all the time in the world to talk and do things together. But now, with kids or a busy work schedule, it feels like you never see each other. This void that is growing between the two of you can only be reversed if you start investing in one another. Remember when you two would talk about your dreams and goals? But then you got busy with “life” and let those things go by the wayside? Get back to it! Showing your partner you truly care that he wants to host grilling parties or that she wants to write her own cookbook is an immensely powerful way to re-forge those bonds of your relationship.
  1. Happiness… It’s YOUR Responsibility: Every time you see your partner miserable, a pang of guilt shoots through your spine. “What can I do to make him/her happy again?” NEWS FLASH: Your job is NOT to make your partner happy. Yes, providing them with support and encouragement, investing time in one another, and enjoying your time together is important and should be a pleasant experience for both of you, but for some people, it won’t be enough. You are the sole keeper of your happiness, and your partner is the sole keeper for theirs. Let go of the notion you are responsible for their happiness.
  1. Take a Timeout for Yourself: While “taking a break” may seem juvenile, there is something to be said for allocating your time back to yourself instead of to your partner 24/7. You are a human being, and you have needs, goals, and desires for your future. While some of those may align with your partner ’s goals, others might not, and that doesn’t make them any less important.

If you have a goal to hike the Appalachian Trail, but your partner can’t stand the outdoors, it doesn’t mean you shouldn’t pursue your passion.

Taking that time back for yourself will actually make you value your relationship more, reigniting that spark once again.

  1. Seek Out Help: Doing it alone can be tough when you’re trying to rebuild the love in your relationship. Professional help from counselors or relationship specialists is always available to provide you with guidance throughout any stage of your relationship.  

As a relationship specialist, I’ve helped numerous clients lift themselves off the relationship rock bottom and learn how to create that spark again. 

“Only God knows how sad we were and how wonderfully enjoyable our life together is now. There are no words to express how grateful we are to her for reviving the deep mutual love and respect in our marriage. The big miracle is that we fell in love with each other all over again.” – Leila and Amin Khiabani

 “Thanks to Dr. Simone, I now have a healthier and more loving relationship with myself and others in my life, and greater energy and motivation to achieve whatever I want. It goes without saying that I am a much happier, more hopeful, more successful person than I was before. Thank you, Dr. Simone. You proved to be in my life, the miracle worker you are reputed to be.” – Maryam Mirdar

“I am eternally grateful to Dr. Simone because with her generous and kind heart, rich experience, invaluable knowledge, wisdom and eloquence, she helped me open my eyes and see that I actually have numerous options.  I found out that I could do something about what was wrong in my life and that I have the strength and power to conquer the obstacles and follow my dreams.” – Mary Shir

If you want to find your soul mate again in your partner and start living a more fulfilling and enjoyable life, Click Here to get in touch with me today. 

It is never too late to reignite your love for one another!