‘Sameness’ is a Myth

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‘Sameness’ is a myth: the idea that we are all the same and want the same things, that there is a certain RIGHT way to go about life and relationships.  WRONG!

There are only ways that work for you and those that do not work for you. 

That’s all.

We are different, and like and dislike different things.  

You cannot blame your prospective or current romantic partners for not feeling, being or doing as you do.  

Do not forget that they have the right to be different: to be themselves, to be and do as they choose.  

It is not up to you to dictate to them the right way of living.  

Do not persist desperately in trying to make it work if your values are far apart.  

The only outcome of that kind of insistence will be disappointment, bitterness, and misery for both sides.

– Dr. Simone

Communicate your Expectations

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Communicate clearly with your prospective mates about what your expectations are and what you would be willing to invest or compromise in the relationship.

Negotiate, but do not insist.  Do not force them to fit your image of the ideal romantic partner for you.  Keep communicating clearly without criticizing them or making them wrong for being who they are.  Listen to them and their ideas about what they want and need.  Make a deadline and if they are not your right match, wish them well and move on to make space for the next candidate or new experience that the universe has to offer to you.  Remember that you HAVE options.

Do not think that any one person is “the only right romantic partner” for you.  Keep an eye on your values, dreams, and intentions for life, your likes, and dislikes, and choose potential candidates with more shared values and interests with you.  Be very clear with them as to your wants and needs.

– Dr. Simone

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Remove your Blinders

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Let’s find out what covers your eyes to blind you from seeing the real person in front of you rather than the one you want her/him to be.

Is it that you lose sight when someone flatters you, puts you down, makes you work hard to be seen, buys you gifts, takes you to nice places, is generous with you, treats you as if this is for the duration without saying the words, makes promises? Let’s make a plan to immunize your eyes against blinders and keep them open so that you can truly see the person before you and the infinite options ahead of you. – Dr. Simone

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The Golden Key to Successful Relationships – Effective Communication

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As far as I know, assumptions do not often lead to happy endings… effective communication of our wants, needs, and values have been known as the golden key to successful relationships by many researchers.

Often times, we go along with our assumptions about our current or prospective romantic partner, and their values and expectations from us and from the relationship.

A while ago, a dear friend, gave me a gift; a beautiful orchid… It was exactly the color I loved …

it was exquisite…

Excited, I put it on the shelf and started enjoying its beauty and the joy it had brought into my life…

When it came the time for me to water it, based on my experience with other plants and flowers I have had, I assumed I knew how much and how often to water my new beauty; after all it was just a flower like others…

Unfortunately, it did not work as I had expected.  

My beautiful little flower started to glow less and less every day and its gorgeous petals started to fall off one after the other.  Frantically, I modified the amount and frequency of the watering regimen.  The petals kept falling off my beautiful orchid.  I was mad at her for not responding to my loving care, for not being appreciative of how much I loved her, took care of her, watered her and finally for dying on me with such cruelty! …

Sad, isn’t it? …

It was actually my assumption that she was just another flower like all the others and that I knew how to treat her were what ended her short life…  

It was the fact that I did not pay attention to her early signs of unhappiness and kept doing what I assumed was what she needed hoping that everything will turn around, she will appreciate my love and care for her, and will look happy again…

I could have asked her (or a gardener who knew orchids) as to how much and how often watering will work for her…

If only I had done that …

She would have been beautiful and happy, still sitting on my shelf, brightening up my days…

It’s unfortunate that we often do the same thing with those we are in relationships…

Don’t we often assume what they want, and provide it for them, and end up disappointed and betrayed when they feel unhappy or upset?  

Let’s stop assuming and start being curious to find out what works and what doesn’t work for our romantic partner or others around us…

Let’s communicate clearly about what our expectations are and what we would be willing to invest or compromise in the relationship.  

Let’s be curious about their ideas, thoughts, and plans for themselves or for the two of you as a couple.  

Let’s be open and ask to find out about their expectations, wants and needs…

Otherwise, the relationship will fade away and perish, the way my beautiful orchid died on me and left me with much regret…

You can try this on your own…

Sometimes though it seems like an impossible task to effectively communicate your needs and wants with your romantic partner and to listen to theirs.  

Effective communication is the golden key to scaffolding a strong, dependable platform for the future of your relationship based on your understandings and agreements.  

I have heard numerous times from my clients that having a “real conversation” with their partner felt like walking into a “lion’s lair!”  

They claimed that they did communicate with their partner but their spouse wouldn’t listen…

Later on, they found out that even though they intended to communicate with their spouses, they were actually criticizing their partner, putting them down, or reminding them as to how they had miserably failed to make them happy…  

The fruits of this kind of communication were nothing but resentment, bitterness, and coldness…

Experts recommend that using skilled professionals can facilitate couples’ communication about the “difficult” subjects in their relationships.  

Couples report feeling happier after being able to communicate with each other, without getting into an argument.  

They also admit that utilizing effective communication skills, they have been able to get their partner to agree with them more often!  

For many years, I have facilitated successful communications between couples to help them understand each other’s values and needs.

This understanding has enabled them to build the rest of their lives on kind and loving interactions rather than angry encounters or coldness.  

Try this on your own…

If at any point, you decide that you can benefit from having an ally who wants both of you to succeed and feel happy,

I am here to help…

10 Ways to Conquer Relationship Obstacles without Giving Up Who You Are

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Starting a new relationship or maintaining a long-standing one is no simple task.

Often you have an idealized version of “The One” stuck in your head and don’t realize that there are many alternative others available to you with whom you could develop an everlasting, happy bond.

In the process of being in an unhappy relationship you may have lost your inner spark.

You might have felt that you were living someone else’s dream and that you have forgotten what your own dreams were.

Instead of continuously falling victim to your relationship obstacles, put together what is desirable to you and this time choose the right person for you.

Here are 10 tips for being your best self when dealing with relationships.

  1.  Never wait for anything or anyone.While keeping an eye on whatever or whomever you want and doing all that it takes to make it possible to achieve that desired goal, it is absolutely vital to continue to engage in all that you enjoy doing in different areas of your life.

    Make new plans.

    Have plan A, B, and C.

    Reinvent yourself and glow with intent and passion from within.

    Be the hero of your dreams and you will attract into your life, all that you desire…

    It is important to keep in mind that if “The One” you think is “the person of your dreams” does not show any active interest in you, then that person is unlikely to bring happiness to the relationship with you. Let go and be open to other possibilities.

  2. The way you treat yourself tells others how to treat you.Take care of yourself.

    Be respectful of your needs and wants; others will follow that route and as a result everybody ends up feeling happy.

  3. Decide on what you want.Don’t forget that in order for relationships to flourish into blooming, stable and committed ones, you first need to clarify for yourself what you want to happen in that relationship.
  4. Communicate clearly with your prospective mate about what your expectations are and what you would be willing to invest or compromise in the relationship.Negotiate, but do not insist.

    Do not force them to fit your image of the ideal romantic partner for you.

    Keep communicating clearly without criticizing them or making them wrong for being who they are.

    Listen to them and their ideas about what they want and need.

    Follow up with several repetitions of your values and expectations in loving, nonjudgmental and friendly ways if you want to have good working relationships.

    Make a deadline and if they are not your right match, wish them well and move on to make space for the next candidate or new experience that the universe has to offer to you.

  5. Be consistent and remain communicative while remaining mindful of the expiration date you have set for the flourishing of this relationship. 

    Work hard to make it flourish.But, if the relationship expires before becoming what you want and need for it to be, let go, and move on.

    There are infinitely more enjoyable experiences awaiting you, if only you are open to them.

  6. Be careful to notice the words and/or actions you have used or engaged in that have not produced the outcomes you wanted in your relationships.I have had hundreds of unhappy couples tell me they have said a certain thing hundreds of times to the other person and it has never worked.

    I always ask them: “When are you going to decide that what you have been doing is not working and that you need a change of strategy, or that it is maybe time to terminate the relationship that you have suffered through for a very long period.”

  7. Listen carefully, observe the details and ask questions when you are forming a romantic relationship with another person. 

    Be curious about their plans and intentions for the future.Interact, play, and laugh with them.

    You will be surprised to see how much you will learn about a person by playing a recreational game or engaging in a political, social, and/or artistic dialogue with them.

  8. Talk about current upsets or problems.Time will resolve NOTHING.

    Only finding and addressing the root causes of the problems will help your relationship flourish and grow stronger.

  9. Show your love to your partner, show your appreciation of who they are and what they do for you.Smile, touch, kiss.

    Send little text messages or call during the day to show that they are important to you and that you are there for them.

    If you do these things and they don’t, then talk about it and tell them how much it will mean to you if they do the same.

    Remind them to engage in those acts of love as often and kindly as you can.

    And always keep in mind your expiration date for the relationship that is failing to improve.

    If they actively invest in making your relationship more enjoyable and pleasant as you do, that’s a good sign!

    But, if they are not so inclined, move on.

  10. Accept when it’s time to move on.Make a list of your success stories in all different aspects of your life.

    Make another list of all your achievements (whether small victories or spectacular achievements), where you have touched others’ lives with your kindness, where you have put a smile on a stranger’s lips or rendered a warm supporting hand to a friend.

    Feel good about you!

    Make sure you know that you are worthy of happiness!

    Then and only then will you be able to see the options before your eyes, the infinite possibilities of wonderful things happening to you.

    That’s when you will feel brave enough to end your misery and be open to life’s miracles.

    Expect such miracles.

While it’s not always easy to say goodbye to someone you had such high hopes for at the beginning of the relationship, you will ultimately be happier and discover a better you.

Living authentically both in and out of relationships allows you to live the life you always imagined without any regrets or placing blame on someone for “holding you back.”